Cut Your Losses

Dear Gary Paulsen,

You suck. I absolutely despise you. You are a horrible story teller with no writing ability whatsoever. Hatchet made me want to puke. That book you wrote, about some guy lost in the woods or the mountains, or whatever, with his dogs? Do you see how bad that one was? I can't even remember the title of it. There is never a plot line one can actually keep straight in your books. You're all over the place. On the rare occasion some one does manage to piece everything together - some one who must have an intelligence level higher than Albet Einstein, by the way. - it makes absolutely no sense! I don't know who the hell thought your books would make great novels, but they were WRONG!

As I have said above. I despise you. I do believe it is you who is responsible for my four-year long beef with English class. You are a sad excuse for a writer who deserves to have his "novels burned at the stake. In all honesty.

With No Love,
gypsydrifting


... I've wanted to do that for a long time. Felt good. :)

I understand that when I picked The Osiris Ritual to read that it was the second in the series so characters had already been introduced, this didn't concern me too much and overall I rather enjoyed the novel. However, what do we get when we take a Victorian detective with a plucky sidekick and an addiction to Opium...no actually its not Sherlock Holmes, its Sir Maurice Newbury, you just blatantly ripped off Sherlock Holmes and gave him a different name.
Even that could have been ignored had it not been for your overly smug style of writing, I couldn't put my finger on it but I got the feeling after the first few chapters that should I ever meet you I'd find you intolerably pleased with your own intellect, I'd possibly want to punch you in the jaw just because I'm that irritated with you.
Every chapter had more smug self-satisfied writing and by the end I was rather relieved to get away from it, imagine please, Christmas at an Aunt's house and their son has just returned from his first year at Oxford, you're at a different University which clearly makes you an idiot and he lets you know this with every sentence he utters to you, by the time you leave after a nice lunch you're feeling rather like you could punch a wall. This was much like reading your novel.
Yes, you're an intelligent man, I get this, trust me we all get this. However, just a note. "Is that a pot of Earl Grey I see brewing in the pot?" Remove the last three words and that sentence wouldn't be ridiculous, a pot within a pot? The last time I brewed Earl Grey (my boyfriend is a fan of the tea) I brewed it in one pot, not two.
Perhaps you could have a chat with your editors about this obvious mistake, clearly they are not doing their jobs correctly.

Thank you for never reading this and most likely ignoring it if you ever come across this,

Demi_Chippings.

http://feeds.reference.com/click.phdo?i=5142540642d3bd6f4affe98478656607

http://www.dictionary.com/wordoftheday/archive/2009/12/05.html

nonplus: to render utterly perplexed; puzzle completely.

Seriously... learn when to quit with the re-capping. Yes, it sucks to start in the middle of a series and be a little bit clueless about the characters' pasts, but people can just go back and read from the beginning. Having to read the same thing over and over and over only manages to dissuade people from continuing to read your books. I only got a third of the way through The Plains of Passage, two hundred pages of NOTHING happening except for lots of recapping the previous three books while the two main characters do a lot of whining in between having lots and lots of boring and badly written sex. It got to the point where I just didn't care anymore... and if I had to read about what happened in the first book ONE MORE TIME, I was going to go crazy.

And while I'm on the subject, having to listen to the main character's stupid theories about "where babies come from" over and over again is just as bad. I'm sorry, but even primitive people had to have made the connection between sex = babies. ANIMALS know it, for christ sakes, what makes you think that primitive man would think that babies come out of the ether?!

Why did you feel the need to write the most execrable book on the planet? My mind is boggled by the fact that someone actually chose to publish it...and couldn't even be bothered to edit it first!

The Templar Legacy is by far and away the worst book on which it has ever been my misfortune to waste several hours of my precious time. The only saving grace is that at least I am not out of pocket to boot. A co-worker insisted on my reading it, and forced his copy upon me. I wonder at his taste...or perhaps he is a sadist.

The wad of drek known as The Templar Legacy is a nightmare. Spelling mistakes, grammatical errors, reams of purple prose, misuse of homonyms, redundancies...you name it, it was there. This is a very poorly written book, and that takes away from the story. He actually has TWO people "milling about". I started keeping track of all the errors/sins/mistakes/irritations and gave up when I had over 4 pages of closely written notes.

This book should be stood against the nearest wall and shot for crimes against literature.

"Find out just what any people will quietly submit to and you have the exact measure of the injustice and wrong which will be imposed on them."

I know there's a community for this, but I can't remember its name and I can't find it now. So, bookish:

I'm looking for a book I read when I was a child. I can't remember the author or the title, but I do remember that the title had a 'Dollhouse' in it. It was published by Apple, and the cover has a red-headed child in (I think) a blue sweater with a dollhouse beside her, and she's holding something in her cupped hands. The basic idea of the story is that Abigail, the girl gets a dollhouse from her great-aunt, and they spend time fixing it up. The aunt's fairly poor, and the family's inheritance is hidden somewhere. The dolls all have personalities, and wake around at night. There's a girl, a boy and the parents, as well as a baby, and at one point of time, I believe there's a cook as well. The dolls find the inheritance, which turns out to be a small pile of jewels, including a ruby.

Anyone know which book I'm talking about?

( Possible spoilers, I guess? )

Dear Mr.Paulo Coelho:

I tried reading your books in Spanish. I tried reading them in English. I haven't tried Portuguese because, well, I don't know how to properly say this, but I hate your writing.
After "Veronika Decides to Die" you have nothing better or at least good to offer me. I hate you trying to teach me something. When it's not 'listen to your heart' is 'follow your dreams'. I can't live with you anymore. Everyone in this universe repeats the same shit over and over, and people just applaud you when you write some stupidity like that. I just don't have the patience to sit and read an entire story on a boy searching for a treasure, and then, the treasure being his pure heart. That's stupid. And well, it might be true. In the end of all, all that matter is spirituality and love, but hell, just stop writing about it.
Also, the naming common stuff with capital letters have to stop. 'destiny' is just a word. It may be a name, but if you're using that word to just talk, don't use it as 'Destiny' because Mr. Coelho, it doesn't have life. Destiny doesn't talk, or eat, or play bowling like people do. Destiny is just an idea.
Please consider just fucking off with your fortune and stop bothering me with your kindergarden stupidities. Or just start writing real stories with that amazing imagination and delivery you have. I miss good Coelho.

Love,
Keishla.

( cut for mild spoilers and some length )

Just joined, and figured it was only proper to leave a rant/forewarning about one of the awful series I've had the displeasure of encountering.



I mistakenly bought this series thinking it was that one about the Wicked Witch of the West, which I had heard was pretty decent. This, however, was not.

The first book was okay, from what I remember. The descriptions were a bit long and rambling, and certain characters felt a little flat, but it wasn't throw-it-out-the-window awful or anything like that. The second book? Yeah, not so much. And it just got progressively worse through the other two that I read.

( Cut for spoilers and length )


Yeah. Basically, just . . . Don't read it. It's not very good.

Dear R Scott Bakker:

I read every word of your Prince of Nothing series. Every florid word of every simile-and-metaphor-molesting sentence. I read 9 inches of books. Explain to me why the only plot I found could have composed a 200-page paperback? Your world and characters had such promise, but you lost it 100 pages into the first book. You let your obsession with rationality and causality superceded the plot. And may I remind you, sir, that torture and porn do not a plot make in the fantasy genre? You ripped off history so much that you could have at least maintained a plot.

I hated your Mary-Sue of a protagonist with a passion. I wished with all my heart that the many assassination attempts against him had succeeded.

But I plodded on despite the porn, filler, and enraging "hero." What did you give me for my effort? An ending so anticlimactic that I thought there must be another book after The Thousandfold Thought. You laid the foundation for what could have been a monumental ending, but instead you chose to erect a cardboard shanty of a conclusion.

You can keep your forthcoming Aspect Emperor and your stand-alone books. I hate you for stealing hours upon hours of my life.

My knee-jerk reaction of buying every book that has got gay guys in it is, basically, financially ridiculous, so I would appreciate it if anybody can warn me of particularly awful ones.

And, if you can also cite the ones that aren't really repulsive too, I'd love you for life,

So I was having a feelgood day last Monday, went into Borders and decided to be heedless about book choosing. I picked up A Push and a Shove by Christopher Kelly. Well, don't judge a book by it's really gorgeous photograph cover. I was so confused reading this book. It was weird and uncomfortable. If I hadn't spent 14.95 on it I definitely would've closed it... and donated it. It's kinda unrealistic. It made me say "huh? what the fuk" when I read the last sentence. Final verdict - weird, make-you-cringe, obsession/revenge book written about an awkward situation. BOO I want my $16.18 back. I'll be more careful about absent-minded trips to the book store from now on, I've learned my lesson.

From Amazon.com:

Two years after his wife's death, oceanographer and former navy SEAL, Atticus Young, attempts to reconcile with his rebellious daughter, Giona, by taking her on the scuba dive of a lifetime-swimming with a pod of peaceful humpback whales in the Gulf of Maine. But the beauty of the sea belies a terror from the deep-a horrific creature as immense as it is ancient. There is no blood, no scream, no fight. Giona is swallowed whole by the massive jaws. Only Atticus remains to suffer the shame of the survivor and his inconsolable grief turns to an unquenchable thirst for revenge.

Drawn by the spectacle, Trevor Manfred, a ruthless billionaire, approaches Atticus with a proposition: Trevor will make available all the advanced technology of his heavily armed mega-yacht, the Titan, to aid Atticus in his death-quest. In return, Trevor is to receive the beast's corpse as the ultimate hunting trophy. But in the midst of the hunt, Atticus makes a terrifying discovery that changes the way he sees the ocean's creatures and begs the question: what is Kronos? The answer sets him on a new and much more deadly course.

( My review below the cut. SPOILERS! )

I think I have said this at least 4 times. But no more Twilight posts for a while. I doubt new members want to see 60 Twilight posts in a week. Esp. since they all say the same thing. So for the time being if you post about Twilight, your post will be deleted. It might seem unfair but this isn't a community all about Twilight either and members are starting to get annoyed. I care about my members so if they are annoyed, then it's time to move on to a different book. There is no reason you can't check out the other 5 Twilight posts. So any posts made about Twilight after this post, will be deleted without another warning. I won't banned anyone but I will delete Twilight posts that are posted after this. If you have a problem with this, bitch here.

In case some people have eye problems:
Kristen says go to the tag below!!

"Twilight" is the most inane, average book I have read in the past year and I can say that without hesitation. I'm pretty prolific when it comes to books- I will read almost anything if it seems interesting to me. Well, you must have a great marketing team, so I guess that's why it looked so alluring in the first place.

I'm a huge fan of vampire books- I adore Anne Rice, Kim Harrison is all right, and I love "Dracula." I borrowed "Twilight" expecting to be, at the least, entertained. Obviously I wasn't expecting a book of Pulitzer quality or anything like that, but I wasn't counting on it being as bad as it was.

Why the disappointment?

Well, quite frankly, "Twilight" had nothing creative to offer me in terms of plot and everything else. I'm offended when I read that you're the next J.K. Rowling, because you lack innovation and the true discipline of a good author. What sort of books are all over the young adult section at Barnes & Noble right this second? Vampire books. They're all about hot, angsty vampires.

(And don't bitch about all the wizard books now, because Rowling pretty much ignited that trend... you really, really didn't start the vampire thing.)

If you're going to make yet another hot vampire love interest, I'm not impressed by your skills as a writer. Edward (and the horribly cliche-ridden vampires that are the Cullen family) aside, you are just a horrible author. I understand that a book doesn't have to be loftily written to be good. But really now, find some synonyms and adjectives every now and again, Stephanie. Think back. Think far back to high school English class... oh wait, you ARE.

You write like you are posting a hastily concocted fan-fiction online for reviews. Your characters have no depth or dimension and your plot twists are predictable and, at best, clunky.

What's that? Bella's super duper ordinary, and gee, she's just like ME? An ordinary girl who is not beautiful, or particularly smart? OMG- like, she's clumsy, too? I can so relate! The hottest guy in school falls in love with her? For NO REASON other than the SMELL OF HER BLOOD? I am truly blinded by your masterful creativity.

Don't even get me started on vegetarian vampires, or the Volturi. Those are such silly cop-outs on Louis de Point du Lac, and Armand's Theatre des Vampires... that I can't even think about it without wanting to become Anne Rice's resident copyright lawyer.

Obviously you (or as is more likely, your publishing house) know where the disposable income is... among depressed high school girls who listen to Evanescence- or Paramore, I'm sorry, I guess my age is showing- and want an "Edward" to come take them away.

So, kudos to you for making loads of money, but your books are awful. I don't understand why "Twilight" is such a phenomenon, other than the fact that it is escapist pulp fiction at its insipid best- full of Mary Sues and cliches.

Dear LJ comm, I want to murder this book.

It's just so bad that there I can't just say "da da da." I have to go into the depths of what it does wrong, because it's pioneering new and exciting fields of bad.

To start off with, nothing happens for 200 pages. I'm serious. There's no drama, there's no conflict, there's no suspense. It's just family togetherness and teen nuptials and shit like that. It's like Jon & Kate Plus Three. Now, look at the cover art.



Look at that! There's a winged monkey, there's a naked kid, there's glowing people... it looks exciting, right? I'll tell you what, that shit is all in the last fifty pages.

Hell, just listen to the backcover. "Life was wonderful, full of magic--and about to be altered irrevocably by a Magic more real than any he dared imagine. For with the Magic came the Bad Thing, and the Faerie, and then the Fool... and the resurrection of a primordial war with a forgotten People (does that really need to be capitalized?)--a war that not only the Hastings but the whole human race could lose."

That sounds pretty neat, right? Well, not to Raymond Feist. He spends so much more time with the "life was wonderful, full of magic" than the Bad Thing or the Faerie, and trust me, no war. All the "primordial war" amounts to is the humans and elves shuffle their shoes and go "you know, war... not that great. Let's just go check for news on the Watchmen Ultimate Cut."

Okay, so you're thinking, why is seriousfic being such a bitch? Feist is obviously building tension and letting us care about the characters? Well, first off, screw you! And second, no tension. All that happens is that every chapter ends with this tall guy and his dwarf going "soon, soon" and "they won't be able to stop us this time!" That might be ominous the first few times, but Feist goes to that well, like, twenty times. By the end I was like "well, it's been ten pages, guess we're due for this tall guy and his evil monkey to stand around and be menacing." Not. Scary.

( So, the plot. SPOILERS! )

Lesson learned: Before making your main character an author stand-in, make sure you yourself are interesting.

So, this is my first post. Yay! Think this community is an absolutely fabulous idea.

Anyways...

Dear Anne Rice,

Now don't get me wrong, but I loved the first three books in your Vampire Chronicles series. I couldn't put them down once I started reading them. But why, why did you have to turn Lestat into a whiny bitch in Tale of the Body Thief? I mean he was such a good character, up until that point. I literally wanted to slap some sense into him and tell him, "You're a vampire. Get over it!" Instead I put the book down, never to pick up another from that series. Then I sold the entire series I bought, figuring it would be safer to my sanity.

Someone once told me, he felt your books were like a therapy session to you. And sometimes I wonder how true was that. But anyways, I have enough problems in my life. I read to be distracted by those and not to take in someone else's emotional baggage. I hope you feel better for writing them. I know I'll feel better by avoiding your books.

Sincerely,
Gaia

The Twilight Saga by Stephenie Meyers.
I vehemently disapprove of this book (and am also sorry if there was a previous post raging about this horrid 'novel'). At first, when I just started reading it, I had hope, but there was something nagging at the back of my head. Why was I zooming through the books at an average of two a day, especially with my busy schedule? And then the answer hit me. Because they are horribly-written books probably designed for 7-year-olds. There is no character development, a mere turn-your-head-sideways-and-squint-to-see-it plot, the most cliche, superficial personages, and an overall terrible writing style. Moreover, I am very disappointed with the editors, who felt that creating a 'teen heartthrob' in Edward was enough to pull this 'novel' out of the depths of its supremely horrid quality. I deign to sneer at obsessive fan-girls nowadays. Anyone who has ever read for than 5 200+ page books would agree that above all, the quality of the writing is laughable at best. And a total rip-off of The Vampire Diaries. As in complete and utter rip-off that disguises itself under bad writing.
Oh, and one more thing; What is it with these Team Edward and Team Jacob people? Sure, you like one character better than the other. Don't make it into a war, please.